~Thursday, 4 June, 2009..."the squalor of the mind" a great line from the old man. saw the otolaryngologist yesterday. had my throat scoped. have some sort of hyperfunctional disorder which basically means I can't produce volume or clarity because my throat is restricted. the devil's hands as it were. speech therapy should help. maybe I will be able to really sing again someday. been reading in the gospels about persistence and people asking Christ for help. the blind man, the woman. asking and hoping but still doubting and not expecting. when does acceptance of things become comfort with faithlessness? I don't know. I do know my children are smart and funny and have big generous hearts and are joy for me. played foursquare in the driveway last evening. made up names for our trick shots: Running Rainbow, Bleeding Faces, Oscillation, The Hangman, Pregnant Lady, Birth. they laughed and I laughed. it was dark when we came inside and found that the lights were still off.
~Tuesday, 2 June, 2009...a miserable month has past. not miserable in the real sense of the word with true sorrow and tragedy, but miserable none-the-less. thirty days left at my job before I am shown the door. moving to New York in sixty and then starts seminary life. it will be a fundamental change, moving from the life of business to the business of life. I see all the time the true incomapatability of the spiritual life with the pursuit of this world. just finished reading the synoptic gospels and started comparison reading in the Gospel of John. what foolishness God has chosen to reveal Himself with. just a few pages. His ways are not our ways. had a small bonfire with the boys last night. very warm and smokey and not entirely successful but the kids always enjoy it. talked to Andy about some new songs. he did a mix of a new tune called Mea Culpa and it sounds just fine. the plan is to get five songs really done by this fall and make it a digital ep. I have heard of these things before but this seems like it might happen. listening a lot to Grizzley Bear's Veckatimest and it is very enjoyable. working on Greek verb conjugation as a preemptive measure. there are good strong thunderstorms coming in this afternoon. should be a nice evening to watch the rain and listen to thunder. should be a nice evening.
~Tuesday, 5 May, 2009...my desk is on the fifth floor of a large office building facing south in the southeast corner of Kansas City. the window I look out of each day overlooks a large graveyard with many trees and I am able to see each time a funeral procession begins. it never makes me unhappy though I don't take any delight in it. there is a long tradition of people keeping a skull on their desk as a remider of mortality. I think of this view in the same way. been sitting in my car during lunch reading through the epistles, the apocalypse, and now the Gospels. watched a bird parade along the concrete wall with an insect in its beak and asked God for a better voice. asked Great Martyr Irene and New Martyr Ephraim to ask God on my behalf for a better voice. the usual reply so far. my wife and I have been talking about what seems to be a fascination with Protestants we know in Jewish customs. heard a lot of talk about Sader meals and wishing people Happy Passover during Lent and Pascha. seems a strange fascination to me. Christians dabbling in Judaism. and what of our own traditions, established by the apostles, developed by the Church, inspired and fulfilled by the Great Paraclete? new wine for new wineskins. I have had to develop a quick answer for people wondering what Orthodoxy is when I tell them I am going to seminary in the fall. my dentitst, who is a Mormon, gave me a magazine in response to help me understand that a new testament was made. I had nothing to give him. today I will sit here at my desk and watch the funeral, the interment, the long black cars. the trees have filled out nicely this spring and the clouds are high and thin. it looks like rain is coming.
~Friday, 17 April, 2009...Great and Holy Friday. not at work today. will spend it quietly at home. my wife works at night and will sleep most of the day today. I like being home alone while she sleeps. like the stillness of everything. Holy Friday vespers this afternoon and matins this evening. the boys and I will serve. thought a lot about tears of repentance last night after my children were sleeping. I am not an emitional person and on these occasions I always wonder if I really know what is happening. if I really believe in Christ as a person, as a man, his great and horrible sufferings and his love, unimaginable love, for us. there is a difference between thinking about something and knowing it, personally experiencing it. "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" I still am so far from understanding it and maybe that is the point. it is only by love that we can know. I will spend the day quietly and try not to think too much about it. and tonight, "The Noble Joseph, when he had taken down Thy most pure body from the tree, wrapped it in fine linen and anointed it with spices, and placed it in a new tomb."
~Sunday, 12 April, 2009...Palm Sunday by our reckoning. Easter by the West. my oldest son sang in the choir this morning and my youngest served as acolyte. I enjoyed watching them in the liturgy and had the first understanding of what separation will someday happen. thought about Lazarus today after liturgy yesterday and what his Sunday must have been like after having been dead for four days. I imagine he would have been fairly quiet. the thing is he knew Christ, he was friends with him and he knew what he was capable of doing. his sisters even told Christ Himself that if He had been there, their brother would not have died. but he died and God let him. and it wasn't about Lazarus at that point but about something far greater. people think this Christian life is all about not having sex before you're married and not getting drunk on the weekends or using dirty language. but God wants to kill you, maybe literally. lambs for the slaughter. like His son.
~Friday, 3 April, 2009...Sunday of St. Mary of Egypt this week. Lent is nearing the end. was able to read The Arena, The Way of a Pilgrim, selections from the Philokalia, and a little of Camus' The Fall. have started to learn more about Chopin, Schumman, and Debussy and their piano sonatas. very satisfying. was accepted (officially) to attend St. Vladimir's this fall so we are begining to think about packing. lost my job also but it seems providential and not just funny. was thinking today about the fact that no one really writes letters the way they are written in the epistles. Our priests and Bishops don't speak to us that way. wondered if there is a way to do such a thing. if it is even appropriate. I have tried to understand the practice of prayer this year. tried to actually practice it. the Jesus Prayer is very difficult to do with any sort of consistency and attention. when you try such a thing you quickly realize just how schizophrenic you are and the fact that you have no discipline or inner peace. and you understand that you really don't love God and that you really only love yourself. in the Garden, Christ asked his disciples to watch with Him. it is never easy. watch with me.
~Sunday, 1 February, 2009...Sunday of Zacchaeus and only four weeks until the start of Lent. always good to come back to this time and turn away from the wreck of this world. spent the day in the woods yesterday with my father. he hunts rabbits. walked for several hours through thickets and fields and woods and was mostly quiet. he is getting older but I still am impressed by his strength. he has lost that fire he used to have that was so dangerous and harmful and good and useful. i will never be that kind of man. my wife has gone to Florida to visit her grandmother who is not well. spend the evenings reading Camus' Exile and the Kingdom or working on a new song or trying to write a story I have had in mind for a while. i discovered that I am the tortoise in this life. but Zacchaues was a wee little man, or so I heard it said.
~Thursday, 1 January, 2009...of course it was New Year's Eve last night. went to liturgy with the boys. sang as well as I could. the anaphora read during St. Basil's liturgy is pure poetry. all of the service is an art piece. my boys fidget and sometimes mess around but they are genuinely good. drank some champagne and drove home after midnight. read a book about Father Arseny and his life as a political prisoner in Soviet Russia. the horrors that some people have had to endure are overwhelming. I laid under my feather comforter in the warmth of my room and read until very late. been working on a couple of new songs but I feel a change in how I want to write, a different language I want to use. I must be the most tedious person in the world. happy new year.
~Wednesday, 24 December, 2008...feast of the nativity tomorrow. liturgy tonight. I don't feel so bad today. worked until lunch but my heart wasn't in it. it is cold today with snow on top of ice but it is bright and the sun is warm from the windows. played a little mahjong while the kids ran around the yard. the fireplace is on. read the scriptures for today; the old testament, epistles, and the gospels. nobody really believes what they say. if we did, things would be different. we would be different. I acted poorly at the office this week, not like Christ. you can't undo the things that are done and you can't change someone's mind once it is made up. there are only a few people in my life, not the whole world, and God has given them to me to help if I can. I will remember them during the litanies tonight. I will remember you wherever you are and whatever you are doing.
~Sunday, December 14, 2008...went to liturgy this morning. it was breezy and warm when we left the house but really cold after liturgy. worked on a new song this week that I am calling "Stationery" and it has a nice feeling to it. just trying to put some words together that work. I suppose it is a love song though I don't know exactly what that means. when you are with the same person for sixteen years, that idea changes and you can't just call it love. it's too heavy. I wonder often why my wife loves me. the old things that brought us together are still there but buried beneath layers and layers, branches and branches of blossoming. there are no good images in this world of middle marriage. we long for young infatuation and we find old people in love adorable. in the middle, it is a wasteland. I wonder how things will change for us. it is a quiet afternoon. my wife is asleep upstairs.
~Saturday, November 22, 2008...the boys and I have a habit of getting donuts from Lamar's on Saturday mornings. there is never any sadness in a donut shop and everyone looks excited and happy to be there. bought two donuts each, Ray's famous double chocolate, a Bizmark, and Devil's Food. my mind wanders sometimes. have high hopes that my boys will have great joy in their lives. Asher asked me if I prefered Christmas or Pascha. he likes both but for different reasons. simple hearts and good and full of love.
~Friday, November 14, 2008...a small icon of "extreme humility" is on our wall in the corner. I look at it sometimes and try to understand. it says a great amount about the humility of Christ, especially in death. I am so much not like Him. read back through some of these posts tonight. used to talk a lot about other things but now it is mostly only life and death. I feel bad for the people around me all the time. took my children to a school singing last night. they sang Thanksgiving songs about food and country. lots of parents and children. I sat off to the side and could look across the whole room. a room full of people that believe all different things, act in all different sorts of ways. is it possible to love all those people? is it possible to not make any judgments but to be completely self-less and open? sat with my arms and legs crossed which I hear is a sign of being closed. watched people's eyes watching other people. at midnight I stood in front of the icons and said the trinity prayers, the Our Father, asked God to help me, to help me, and to help me. it's almost midnight again.
~Thursday, November 13, 2008...thought more about the idea of communion with death. sat in my cubicle today and listened in one ear to our new metropolitan +Jonah speak about his vision for the future of Orthodoxy in America and in the other to my colleagues talk about sex. had the sudden realization that this was my life and a perfect example of the choice betweeen a communion with life or with death. one leads to joy and one leads to appeasement. one to wakefulness and one to unreality. there are names for things that I did not know had names. how did Christ live in this world? what did He talk about? I don't want to be distracted from it or run away from it. rather accept it as Christ and receive it as eucharist. I am sitting at my kitchen table this evening under the red paper lantern and I still hear both voices. I need to learn something, but first, how to love.
~Wednesday, November 12, 2008...just like I thought it would happen, the leaves have all turned colors and have fallen quickly. been wet and raining and feels like late fall. this world seems to be dying all the time. read some of Schmemman today and he mentioned our eating as being a communion with death. I was in New York last week and have been walking around in a fog since coming home. feel like I am constantly on the verge of seeing something clearly but then it moves or I move and it fades again. being at the seminary in New York gave me a taste for a different life, one that I desire. and it frightened me. I don't want to commune death any longer. I don't want to be dead myself. the fog is thick and if it ends, it ends where the mountains begin.
~Tuesday, October 14, 2008...a friend offered to create a legitimate blog for me but I don't think I will. I don't like the comment option where people can reply to something I've written. there is too much opinion and commenting going on as far as I am concerned. and it's not even conversation. it is rather like finding a person's diary and scribbling in the margins. comments should be limited to discussing the weather. today is cold and overcast and damp. we had rain and wind and the leaves are starting to come off the branches. It will be dark early tonight. I hope the skies are blue wherever you are.
~Friday, October 3, 2008...I resist magic of any kind. it is a sham and religion is full of it. fake spirituality and superstition. I favor the idea of ultimate reality with all of its darkness and suffering. I favor the idea that Christ's taking on of flesh and being tempted, and suffering, and dying was not so that we could magically escape our reality but so that our reality of temptation and suffering and dying would not be meaningless. every part of my day today from my anger while driving to work, my boredom, my prayers at lunch, the condescending attitude and my helpful words, my jealousy, my pride, every bit of the day can be filled with this knowledge. I tend to only do that in retrospect. my heart is full of darkness and it is a long way home.
~Saturday, September 20, 2008...afternoon. nice day with the warm southern breezes. house is quiet now and in order. have done a lot of things this week that needed doing. finished eight demos of songs that have been hanging around for a while and sent them to Andy. they may get some attention and an actual release. I like the idea of a singles series with two songs at a time. feels like you are actually doing something. less like a whole album and more disjointed. I like the words I wrote and can mostly sing the tunes. renewed the license plates last week like a good citizen. had a physical for my application to St. Vladimir's and it appears I will survive for a while longer bar any tragedy. read the books of Joshua, Judges, and Isaiah. thought about interpretation. started working on learning the Greek alphabet. heard a few poor jokes at work and sold a number of mortgages. thought about the fact that Christ was an actual human being and not just pretending. His humility carried over even into the grave, spending three days in Sheol. Christ had to ascend in order to send the Comforter to enable us to become like Christ.
I really like the works of Hemingway and wonder often about the morning he placed a shotgun to his forehead and closed his eyes.
~Monday, September 1, 2008...the beginning of the new liturgical year in the church. sang in the choir yesterday for liturgy. my voice seems ruined at this point. can't sustain it for very long and afterwards, speaking is hopeless. the only way I can be heard is if I am all alone with someone in a quiet room. so I wander around or stand outside and watch the kids run around in their Sunday clothes. coming down from the liturgy is strange to me. it takes a great effort to make the climb, the ascension, and to fulfill it all in the receiving of the eucharist. and suddenly it is finished and people begin to talk about the weather and football. we slip away so easily into this world. put ourselves back under the earth to lie asleep. is it possible to remain in the light, to have that light surround us even when we are not formally doing the work of the liturgy? but then what would we talk about? what is there to talk about when you really have that joy filling you? all the erotic language of the old testament comes to mind, being the lover of God, the delight of the consumation with God, the contentment and rest in the bosom. the christian has to always reconcile himself to this world, has to constantly turn away from it, has to force his mind into a new way of thinking. and turning back to the world, we see everything interpreted in the light that we have received. we see everything as it is and as it could be. I am going to St. Vladimir's Orthodox Theological Seminary next year. it is the taming of wild horses we are after.
~Sunday, August 10, 2008...the Olympics are very interesting to me. despite all of the nationalism which can be so troublesome, I get weepy when I watch. inexplicably weepy. my wife and I sat eating cookies tonight and watched the gymnasts and the swimmers. I need to go for a run tomorrow and wear some bright colors.
~Sunday, August 3, 2008...many things have happened over the last months and at the same time, things are essentially the same. measuring out your life by way of periodic comments helps you slow down a bit. been working on demos of new songs though I don't really know why yet. they may never get done. I feel like I am waiting for something. finished a cover version of a song called "China" for the soundtrack to Awake My Soul. should be a good colletion as soundtracks go. some notable names and nice songs as well. that put me in the mood to record again but it hasn't inspired my writing. I have hit some sort of lyrical wall. been thinking a lot about the meaning of art in life. talked with Fr. Christopher for a little bit about it yesterday. I am against the idea that art has any intrinsic value in itself. if anything, it is just another vain pursuit. if there is any meaning in it, it will be found in its relation to God and Christ in particular. and that's the rub; how do we find meaning in something that is meaningless without degrading the only thing that can give it any meaning? it can't be both sacred and secular simultaneously. must be one or the other but the choice is obvious. I just don't have the language to say anything meaningful so I keeping writing the same thing over and over, "Even so, Lord come." It's a good saying and I don't grow tired of it. pages of it now. the Christian life is difficult. we can't hold on to anything ever.
the days are very hot and the nights as well. people have been losing their jobs where I work but I am still there. my wife works at nights and we don't see much of each other. but I look up and there are a lot of people that I love and I think of them and I think of them often. even so, Lord come.
~Sunday, June 1, 2008...the month of May was quiet. many small things happened which all add up to a great nothingness. the only real impression on me was the weather. a wonderful spring month with bright blue skies and cool breezes. the sun is just becoming hot and all the leaves are out. I cut the grass regularly and like to stand on my porch after it is all finished and look at the lines. making some order in an unruly world. at work, I hear a lot of vulgar language. I think about the fact that the people I am with, though I am very fond of them, have very little in common with me. there is no eschatological dimension to any of their thinking. they live their lives looking entirely at the ground. "Look up, look up, you'll see the sky." still have a hard time talking with strangers. always eager to make them feel comfortable which makes me uncomfortable. read Joyce's "Dubliners" and two novels by Camus - "The Stranger" and "The Plague." some spring cleaning and moving of furniture. my wife sleeps during the day and is up at night. talked poilitics with my family. concerns about oil and gay marriage. changed the paper lantern over the kithen table. the new one is red and white and much larger. some sort of chrysanthemum print. I enjoy sitting at the table in the red light especially in the evening when the sun is setting. as always, wish that you were here.
~Saturday, April 26, 2008...Holy Saturday. spent the day making Pascha cheese and Trinity bread. got a bottle of white wine, some fudge, pepperoni for the kids. wife is sick and has been sleeping all day. unsure about tonight. Holy Friday at church most of the day for Vespers and then matins, the processions and venerations. I thought about the actual body of the dead Christ and the vulnerabiltiy of it all. having to be carried and washed and buried. extreme humilty of God. I thought about my own body in death and realize how much i care about my own flesh. the desire to hide the scars. tonight we will serve the liturgy and sing the songs of resurrection. as I always eventually discover, God will be all in all, even in my own flesh.
Let God arise, let his enemies be scattered.
~Friday, April 11, 2008...my wife has started working nights. she is a labor and delivery nurse at the county hospital. many poor and uneducated and young mothers. hard to understand or comprehend what these people have to endure, what these people choose to endure. society at its lowest levels. drugs, abuse, death, diseased. america. in my head I begin to think that there is some way to help or to change the way things are but there is a wall that can't be overcome. a system that is so complete and perfectly formed and unbreakable. a cycle of poverty and ignorance. shameful. the church tries to reach out to these people and should but not because of their earthly hardships but because of their spiritual depravity. I suppose it is our own spritual depravity that makes us the same way. here, where I live, I don't come across those people very often. I probably choose not to as well. my wife makes me proud and I think very highly of her and her work.
still Great Lent for the Orthodox. Lazarus Saturday is next week then Holy Week and Pascha. everything revolves around it, is informed by it. I still go to work and do the things of life but all in anticipation of what is coming. obviously, that is the point. and a good point at that. made confession this week but was reserved a bit. may give it another shot tomorrow. the weather has been wet and windy. good spring thunder storms each day. the trees and flowers are starting to bloom and winter is slipping away. I spread grass seed in my front yard and hope that at least some of it will grow. at liturgy on Wednesday, there were some visitors from the the local Baptist seminary. I led the silent procession of the gifts with the censor and while everyone else was prostrated, they sat in their chairs looking uncomfortable. I wish it was obvious to everyone what it is that is happening. I wish Christians could see Christ in their midst. I wish we weren't uncomfortable with each other. afterwards they were smiling politely. they brought their Bibles while I did not and that was a sure sign of both of our expectations.
~Thursday, March 20, 2008...decided to change the way I enter the date for no reason in particular. served at the liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts last evening with Fr. Tim and Fr. Chris at Holy Trinity. a service like no other. the tonality of the songs, the readings, the incense, prostrations and silence. all those things serve as a vehicle for what is really important and I love them in and of themselves. I am probably prone to religiosity at times. standing there, I thought about the days this week when no one was there and the host sat upon the altar in that deep silence and I tried to figure out the meaning of it. the body of Christ waiting for us to assemble and say the prayers and make the movements toward Him. when I serve I use a lot of incense because it is a large building and I want to fill it with smoke. wanted to make confession but ended up busy with serving. the weather was wonderful today, a warm and windy spring day. tomorrow is western Good Friday and I feel very disconnected from it. the house is quiet this evening and so I am sitting here writing this. the kids are coming inside.
~2/29/08...I was talking with my father last night about the idea of faith. he is a devoted protestant and entirely dissatisfied. he doesn't like young people. it makes me wonder at what point I will stop learning and become a difficult old person. it makes me wonder if I am already there. my family is a family of old people in a figurative sense which should be a good thing but instead of wisdom there is usually stubborness, instead of dispassion, there is irritation. the weather channel and fox news in great amounts. seems to me that growing older should be a filling up of light, of weightlessness, of realized joy, and fulfillment of love. seems that should be the goal. I want to bring my father to Pascha and hear the homily of St. John Chrysostom. I want him to see the lights and processions, hear the words. I want him to fill with light that is not his own and be where the voice of those who feast is unceasing.
~1/13/08...my fourteenth wedding anniversary was last week. same as Elvis and David Bowie's birthdays. fine day. it was snowing a little and windy and very cold. spent the day with my wife wandering around the city. ate expensive salads for lunch. visted the Kemper Museum of modern art and looked at pictures of German social realism paintings. the large ones were our favorites. we never go to the museums but it was a nice time. saw a movie and loitered in a bookstore. I read a couple chapters of Hemmingway On Writing. picked the kids up from school and played board games in the evening. for a little while, everything was just right and everything was fine.
~1/6/08...are any of you doing the thing in life that you really wanted to do? do you feel content and happy with your vocation? this thing about the grass being greener is a real problem. it permeates our culture. Monday morning doesn't feel quite right. I am thinking that maybe the grass is greener and the problem is that there is no way to get there in this life. it's the loss of the garden that we feel. it's the movement away from paradise. condemened to keep looking over our shoulder. in liturgy this morning, we had the great blessing of the waters. celebrated theophany and Christ's baptism. I wonder how long I will be able to remember the words that were said. "As many as have been baptized into Christ, have put on Christ." going to try to keep that in mind tomorrow at work and the next day and the next. going to say good things. going to love my children, my wife, and everyone I meet. everyone I meet.
~12/15/07...write the truest sentence that you know. a very good thought if you are a writer. it is hard to go wrong if you can manage to write this way. but sometimes, one sentence is all you get. and then you have to be content. just re-read "A Moveable Feast" and was glad to be back in it. such strong writing. but it also leaves you empty. I have been having a go at that one true sentence. I am always having a go at something.
snowed last night. a soft covering, powdery and white. the house is quiet this morning and I am trying to write. Joanna Newsom's Ys is on but I am not really listening to it. my fake fire is burning low as well. soon, the family will all be back and I will probably wander around cleaning up after everyone whether it needs it or not. my mother does the same thing. it is my wife's family that is here for her graduation from nursing school. I think everyone is happy. that is, I hope everyone is happy.
"Skriv riktig en dömer"
~12/10/07...don't usually write at night. not the best time to think. in the mornings there is always a sense of anticipation, of potential. at night, things seem to be in passing. and time is short. so, I don't like to write at night. it is very cold and very dark this evening. it has been raining for several hours and the ice is starting to build up. in the morning it will be very interesting to look out the window and see what has happened. the world all silent and cold. I wrote a poem about an ice storm once. had the line:
"all the world reduced to cold and quiet boredom - a heifer's flanks
hung for market"
stepping outside, the silence of the neighborhood and all the destruction of trees and power lines and ice everywhere. people walking around just looking. you don't feel the cold. you just know that something strange and something wonderful has happened.
~11/26/07...I started to write something and as usual it seemed a little gloomy. my wife commented on that before. there are nice things as well. been reading about the stylites. men that sat atop pillars in an attempt to overcome their passions and learn how to pray. I will admit that I don't understand it. part of my mind is inclined to think that they were rather loony. the role of asceticism as a means to self-realization is well and good but the pillar-life seems absurd to me. and then again, part of my mind wonders if I am the absurd one as I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want and what I don't have and what I need and what satisfies. if I had a pillar, it would need to be fairly large, large enough to walk around on, to lie down and stretch out. it would need to have some green grass and trees and a nice house and a few good books to fight the boredom. the earth as pillar.
spent a lot of time with my wife over the holiday. watched many movies. woke up in the morning and drank coffee and read some as well. put up all of the Christmas decorations. disagreed about the stockings. same as last year. my wife is a wonderful girl. you really should meet her sometime. I think you would like her. I know you would.
~10/21/07...took a walk this morning with my famly at the state park. there was a great wind blowing and the clouds were moving low and very fast. a little cool and altogether wonderful. this type of morning is so much more valuable than the work I do. my cubicle seems to be pressing in on me these days and I want a change. I haven't heard from anyone about making any music in a long time. I have these songs that I could do something with. just give them away possibly. been working on short stories and reading a lot of Grass and Hemingway. I always wonder what the people I work with do when they go home in the evenings. I always think about how much time I have and if I should spend it writing. they mostly watch television and think about sports or they get good and drunk. seems strange to me. perhaps that is why they are fine with sitting the cubicles. perhaps that is why I am not.
my wife and I drank a bottle of Reisling last evening. we drank and I stood on the porch while the wind was blowing and then we went to bed.
~8/11/07...spent a few days in North Carolina on a vacation of sorts. stayed up in the mountains. was very warm, warmer than I expected it to be for where we were. drove through the area and saw Chimney Rock, Lake Lure, the Parkway, a lot of turns in the road and trees and trees. saw the family and tried to be comfortable or as comfortable as one can be. for the great outdoors being as close as they were, spent very little time in them. took the boys one morning to a small branch of the Broad River, not much more than a creek really, and cold. watched them fish for trout. waded up the river into some deep pools and small rapids. trees on both sides and the low mountains pushing up behind those. could have spent a long time there. I prefer not to talk too much if I can help it and that is the best sort of place for peace and quiet. I don't remember thinking of my work for several hours at least.
on the road leading up to the house there was a dead snake. a rattle snake of some sort with diamonds. its head had been crushed. a friend of the family that lives on the same mountain remarked that she had a dream about it and how it was the devil's head that had been crushed and that in the great war that is to come the victory will be secure. she apparently interprets dreams. with gusto. concerning the same snake my boys were delighted to see that its dead body was covered by many small butterflies. all purple and white. must be some significance in that. being a poisonous snake, the butterflies also were now poisonous. they laughed as they ran away from them. with gusto. no one is afraid of butterflies. even if they are filled with poison.
~7/28/07...paper lanterns are very appealing. in the kitchen there is one above the table with flowers that are red and green. nice and colorful. I sit every Saturday morning with the receipts and bills of the week at this table and think about money. plans and ideas every Saturday morning beneath the paper latern with a cup of coffee. use the same mug every week. has all fifty-two presidents on it. what worries they must have had. wars. economy. laws. I used to live around the corner from the Truman home. President Truman dropped two atomic bombs on the Japanese in the second world war. it's likely thousands died, I don't know. I liked to stand at the iron gate outside this house and think about it. sitting there in his kitchen on Saturday morning with a cup of coffee under a lantern. while half way around the world two cities reduced and laid to rest. what must that have been like. what thoughts those must have been. forgive us our transgessions both voluntary and involuntary, of word and of deed, committed in knowledge or in ignorance, and count us worthy.
how pleasant, how appealing are these paper lanterns.
~7/19/07...I would really like to do something different. I would really like to say that I would like to do something different but there is always that imediate slap of reality that says you can't. perhaps my mid-life crisis will help. listening to the radio on my way to work I heard a man in his forties saying how he wanted to quit his job and start a band. the wife thought he was ridiculous. had a lot of sympathy until he revealed that he wore headbands and feathers occassionally. I would really like to do something different.
I think I am getting soft. still very underweight but softer than before. going to have to excercise and eat better. i have trouble speaking. that shouldn't be related but I am sure that it is.
~5/6/07...springtime again. there is a great thunderstorm going by right now. sunday afternoon is always best with rain and a good book. reading The Seven Storey Mountain by Merton right now and I had forgotten how much I like this book. he had a lot of things to say and many of them very good. I was watching the birds and thinking about it all. took my kids to the park this weekend. they found some fishing line and a hook on the lake shore and fashioned a crude pole out of a twig. there were some tremendous carp just off the shore but there wasn't luck. i hope they weren't disappointed. I think about them a lot. My youngest discovered the fear of dying this week. there isn't much to say about it. the knowledge comes to us all. what would a person do without faith? what would they say to their son? we sat and watched the birds for a little while this afternoon while it rained. I do think about them a lot.
~3/7/07...have been thinking very hard about what is to come. had a great difficulty thinking of something to sing about for some time. on a Sunday several weeks ago I had a change of heart and started writing again. it was the Sunday of The Last Judgement according to the eastern reckoning and I believe it was during the singing of the Beatitudes that my change occured. was able to finish a particularly difficult line in a song that has been hanging around for some time. so it seems there may be more music in me still. I have these songs ready to demonstrate:
Mea Culpa (The End of All Things)
The Lake of Fire
Chrysanthemum
Write Them On Your Hands They Are the Right Words
Colossal
The Great Entrance (My Heart Is Already Under the Earth)
Half-Staff
For This I Was Born and For This I Have Come Into This World
The Hyacinth
there are some friends who have offered to help me get these into a decent form and that is very generous of them. I was sitting at work today thinking about these things and had a hard time remembering what I was there to do. I would have preferred to have been looking for pictures of collapsing buildings or women's faces just as they are about to cry. I would have liked to have pretended things were different for a while.
~2/3/07...took the family to Weston, a small town north of here, last weekend. just wandered around some. ate a small lunch in a diner where things like salad have to be hand-written onto the menu. we were not part of this town so we all talked louder to make ourselves feel more comfortable. I am from the South and have lived in small towns most of my life. the fact that I have lived in many towns however means that I am mostly homeless. I feel at home in certain types of places but not in any certain place. there is a hope that I will settle down at some point for the children mostly. but not entirely.
working on a song called "Colossal" now. very simple. too pretty at the moment but I suppose that is what I do. always looking for a way to de-construct. and it is cold outside. in Weston, the wind cut right through you, as they say. walked around the mostly empty streets and felt good and cold and happy to do it again.
~1/1/07...when I was younger, I spent most new year's eves at church. there was always some anticipation about the new year and whether Christ would return before the clock struck midnight. it was a completely ego-centric view about religion and time and how the two could be mixed up into a superstitious brew. I don't recall people doing much in terms of spirituality. a lot of running around the building, talking, eating. my father was the pastor and I was never quite sure what he thought would happen. somehow, I felt that if there was going to be a second coming, it would happen just before twelve o'clock, wherever I was. never occured to me that the new year had already happened for most of the world before it came to Tiffin, Ohio.
last night I was sick and slept on the couch to keep from waking my wife with my coughing. the people in my neighborhood are very celebratory. the fireworks started at midnight and lasted for some time. I thought about the second coming and how I have lost that anticipation, that waiting for the trumpet and the parting of the clouds. I stood in front of the the icons of Christ and the Theotkos and said a few prayers and thought about how I would try to keep from sinning. I thought about that for a while.
~12/6/06...it has been some time. I put some thought into it and was hoping to have an answer. I was hoping that something would happen by now that would spark an interesting thought or idea. but it has been some time and I am still waiting. I work a lot. that is about it.
but the weather is good. had our first snowfall of the year and it was nice and heavy. deep in places and dangerous. the office did not close down. the drive home took twice as long as usual. on Friday took the boys to the middle school and went sledding. once, when I was thirteen, i went sledding with my brother and some friends. a girl that I can not remember anything about spent the whole day with me using the same sled. wore a purple coat. she might have had a ponytail. the happiness of that day is still with me. there was nothing bad about it and there never will be anything but happiness in that memory. my youngest son had a hard time getting back up the hill after we went down. I held his hand and made the trip up each time. when he sits next to me, he crosses his legs the same way I do. there is nothing bad in that and there never will be anything but happiness in this memory.
~9/9/06...thought I might put up a new demo on the atb&b site. it is a new song that I have written called "Write Them On Your Hands. They Are The Right Words" and I recorded it as my children were sleeping the other night. trying to think about this world and the idea of how Christianity relates to it. the early christians met in catacombs and pursued martyrdom as the ultimate sacrifice of faith. I sang this quitely so the kids wouldn't wake up. listen to it the same way.
~8/23/06...summer is passing again and I look forward to the cooler weather. don't know why since I spend all day in an air-conditioned cubicle. those few moments passing from my car to my work may be nice.
i still try to write music from time to time. was able to demo two songs over the weekend. slow burners. everything has to be recorded late at night when the children are asleep. they always end up sounding very dark, sad. trying to write about joy but that is not a topic for the night. I should probably wake up early and see what happens with the morning. but I have to go to work.
~6/24/06...saturday morning. going to go to the thrift store today to browse through the books. when I was there last, I found a nice copy of a Bradbury novel as well as a history of the last russian czar and his family. the thrift store is the last place on earth that you can still find something that hasn't been re-packaged as vintage, made culturally desireable, and priced out of all reason. sometimes. I worked at a small shop when I was young. before the cultural shift toward counter-culture in the 1990's. lovely place to find trinkets and books. sometimes decent records. all the junk that I valued. still junk.
at some point I believe that all of the stuff of life will simply cease to matter and we will be left with who we really are and what we really want. there was a monk that left everything he had and went into the desert with only a piece of bread and a pair of scissors. that strikes me as profound and also very funny. He went on to become a great saint of the Church. complete abandonement to this world and all it has to offer. we Christians like to talk about such things. but not too much.
~6/6/06...received a letter from a young man named Stephen in Australia today. strange to me every time. had nice things to say. finished training at my new job and anticipate hitting the floor tomorrow to see how things go. back to corporate life. feels nice to be back at work in a regular sort of fashion. feels nice to support my wife and children. I have been reading Father Alexander Schmemman's Church World Mission during lunch. I sit in my car near the back of the parking garage and try to read a chapter or so. I always forget to bring along a dictionary. so many words that I feel very unsure about. Manichean. I should know more about what that means.
I try to feed the birds as well but they don't come too close. and I write a few words here and there. just finished two new songs. "The End of All Things" and "Write Them On Your Hands. They Are the Right Words." they seem to be just fine. I look forward to tomorrow and the next day. and the next day as well.
~4/23/06...Christ Is Risen! Indeed He Is Risen! Holy Pascha, the eighth day, the new day of the Resurrection, the night that is brighter than the day. I wish I could give you convincing words or thoughts about Holy Pascha but they would all be insufficient and shallow. it is sacrament. it is the only joy. there is no other thing that matters. there is only poetry. You are Christian! my friends, my joy, I have no words. there is only Christ.
Christ Is Risen! Indeed He Is Risen!
~4/12/06...complete upheaval. two weeks away from home and all my romantic notions of travel and adventure are gone. looking for a job, a home. I have no emotion left. my friends, protect your credit rating. avoid being poor except in spirit. my family is good. they eat regular meals and go to bed early. in all this quiet storm, I have found some things to write about and I think they are good. listened to a record by a young man named Michael Edwards and it is really lovely. he sings with conviction and is a little precious. I'll forgive him for that.
~3/20/06...people create little worlds for themselves at times which can be completely contrary to reality. I saw this yesterday. it always makes me wonder if I do the same thing and am just not aware of it. not capable of seeing the structures. oh well.
I am moving back to Kansas City. life has defeated us here in florida and we can't keep on with the struggle. I am traveling alone from here to there in a few weeks to start looking for a job, a home. I think I will go through Atlanta and Nashville, St. Louis as well and across to the city. it is a nice drive. I like to leave early in the morning because time has a different character to it than later in the day, it moves differently. I like to drive before the sun comes up and be far from anywhere before it is light. far from anywhere I know.
~3/3/06...took the boys to the park on tuesday afternoon to let them play for a while. read Gunter Grass' "My Century" and tried to write. the only line that came was "I was a human sacrifice." so dramatic. so untrue. the novel is a series of vignettes that cover each year of the twentieth century, all written by Germans. some nightmarish bits in there. some human. at the office this morning, my desk had been given to someone else. my displacement. I took my pens out of the drawer. the rest will stay.
there were several deaf children playing at the park but my boys didn't even notice. they just talked a little louder. so wonderful.
~2/22/06...warm day for February here in middle Florida. I woke up early and washed the few dishes that were in the sink. there always seem to be a few. off to work and there are the usual problems but there is no despair. I learn things at a tremendously slow rate it seems. at confession on Saturday I asked Father about despair and how it seems to be so un-Christian, so human. I stood in front of the icon of "Extreme Humility" which shows Christ dead and in a sort of tomb, eyes closed and arms crossed. and we spoke about hope and meaning but there wasn't any drama, no falsehood. today, the sun was very warm as I sat in the parking lot on Magnolia street under a large live-oak. with my eyes closed and my arms crossed.
~2/20/06...on Saturady we sang at the Vigil service; "By the waters of Babylon, there we wept and there sat down; Hung our harps on the willow trees; Zion yet we remembered thee!" it was quite beautiful and somber. after Liturgy on Sunday, my wife being at the hospital with her Grandmother, I wandered around the Church and didn't really speak with anyone. I tend to do just that whenever my wife is not with me. I have no ability to sit and chat with people. it is not within my skill-set (so to speak). last week as well, I spent the time in my car reading the collected stories of Eudora Welty. the weather was fine. I read "A Curtain of Green" which happens to be my favorite. I bought the collection for Amy at Christmas but it was a poor choice on my part. perhaps it was more for me than for her. she said, "I love it." but I feel most comfortable in Liturgy. I am an un-tonsured Reader and it suits me more completely than anything else I do. "By the waters of Babylon, there we wept and there sat down; Hung our harps on the willow trees; Zion yet we remembered thee!" a Russian woman whom I have not spoken with properly before asked me where I was from and I said Kansas City because I couldn't think of anywhere else. she was curious and said she wanted to talk with me more. then she disappeared. we didn't have our conversation and so I ended up wandering around the church yard until my children were finished. the weather was still fine and it didn't get any worse while I waited. it is the Sunday of The Prodigal Son.
"It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found." .
~11/15/05 (Part 2)...and the vinyl version of Health and Sport is now up for pre-order at Republic of Texas Records. have some real fun with wax.
~11/15/05...amazing how the thrill of anticipation far outweighs the satisfaction that follows. what's next? and what's after that? the immaculate consumption.
~10/3/05...October and a new record is on the way. There are more records behind us than before us. And that is a strange feeling. I want to write but know it would just all start sounding the same like all those others. I want to take a walk on the beach and think about what a middle-aged man should do. I want to think of myself as a middle-aged man. I really do.
~7/25/05...the modern world requires change. perhaps that is what I have been feeling lately; the winds of change. I read recently that albums are dead. no one is interested in being dictated to concerning how they will listen to music. they want choice and variety. so it is in with the single and the digital choice and out with the record and the analog tradition. I resist this. but why? because I have grown old. but I can change. it even seems appropriate that I do change. for those of us who love the feel of the vinyl or the smell of the cellaphane, it means a loss of sorts, a death. but it also is a birth. a new way of communion through music. i don't think I will do another album. just spin out digital singles until there is nothing left. or until the world changes again.
~7/15/05...reading Wendell Berry's "The Memory of Old Jack" for the second time. you know how intimacies begin to move past mere feelings and become more like convictions over time? you begin to believe in them? and then you realize where you are and all the days and hours that have led to this very moment and the weight of those many decisions and how the simple idea of change becomes an impossibility, crowding out all idealism until you are only left with practicality. I suppose that is why we read. To be "other." going to lie in bed this evening and watch Jack Beechum work in the fields under the sun and see his barn burn, helpless. going to do that happily.
~7/12/05...moving house again. central Florida in the summer. really looking forward to Health & Sport, especially the vinyl release. haven't had that satisfaction in a while. thinking about quiting this whole musical thing soon. there are still a few songs rattling around in my head but the separation has started. it is all too dark.
~5/12/05...the south is nice in the springtime. there are many people out and about in the weather. walked to the jetty last night with the boys. they like to stand against the rails as the waves crash. I don't mind it myself. walking home in the dark, the youngest always wants to be carried.
~2/28/05...spent the weekend putting up a vinyl privacy fence for my new landlord. it is odd not owning the home we live in after so many years. I suppose we will be good tenants. I suppose we have to be. the ground is only sand and you have to dig quite deep to secure the post. labor is always good, even if the land is not your own.
~2/21/05...drove south through Orlando today. tried listening to the radio and was suprised how crude it was. I suppose that is what makes us laugh today. had a conversation with Amy's grandfather about world war II this week. those were the days. they really were.
~1/24/05...tomorrow I will be moving to Florida. don't think of myself as someone who lives in Florida, but I hope I will soon. I like the idea of getting back south. it warms my blood. it really does.
~12/26/04...have past the feast of the nativity. the building has somehow been given a plague of flies. they are everywhere; in the window wells, on the pews, between the pages of the typika, in the dried wax of the candles. they keep coming. should there be a sign in this? i will have to drive south next week and think about what this means. on Glennstone, there is a bookstore just behind The Brown Derby and Andy's. they have a large section on the interpretation of dreams next to the fiction and paperbacks. I like to sit there and read while sounds from the country and western bar next door move through the aisles. there must be something in there regarding flies and their greater significance to a population's spiritual health. there must be.
~11/14/04...the road that runs north from El Dorado Springs toward Appleton City is called H highway and it is one of those few places where people really aren't. the prairie runs for miles east of the road and to the west it is mostly pasture. I would like to say that it is peacefull or serene or something descriptive but you wouldn't believe me until you travelled it yourself. my telephone has bad reception there, so I park and stay for a while.
~9/18/04...nearing the end of the thrid quarter. numbers are looking grim for some people. not certain what will happen if they fail to meet their "commitments." business and politics seem to be on my mind. drove south through Bolivar and Springfield and tried to listen to one of the conservative talk shows on the way. much of it made sense and at the same time seemed so entirely biased that all sense was lost. is it possible to be morally conservative and socially liberal? what party represents these values? my father has a "boycott France" bumper sticker. he cracks me up. he really does.
~7/7/04...well we've played at the Cornerstone music festival, my only real performance in the year and it went relatively well. had the guys from namelessnumberheadman back me up as well as a drummer named Ryan Drake. good people all around. going there is something of a drug. just when you've gotten over it, you experience the feeling all over again and you begin saying things like "next year." hopeless is what we are. was able to spend time with Ronnie Martin from Joy Electric. I really enjoy musicians who drive trucks or build houses or furniture for a living. reasonable people are hard to find and this combination seems to breed the most reasonable ones. Ronnie has been doing this longer than I have and it hasn't turned him cold and bitter yet, just a pleasant person. spoke about family and homeownership, the working class, etc. his newest records, Hello Mannequin and Friend of Mannequin, are quite exceptional. see for yourself. www.joyelectric.com drove across the state and celebrated my 32nd. grew a new beard just for the occassion. recording the new Luxury record in two weeks. I will have to enjoy the time as these are getting fewer and farther between. perhaps i will take some photographs to remember the occassion.
~6/7/04...divorce is a funny thing. a friend is just about to finalize his. he spoke about what he'll miss the most from marriage and it revolved around the loss of his home and his ability to work on it. she'll get the equity, he'll get the 401K and they'll call it even. it is a strange sadness that after twelve years, he'll most miss the use of his toolbelt. I was only obliging and didn't think of anything to say until after he hung up the phone.
~6/6/04...early summertime work and the heat is rising in the midwest. have been building things and enjoying the labor of it all. the corporation is heating up as well with the second quarter coming to a close. there will be meetings and talks and inspirations to succeed. there will be success. I will travel some this week, perhaps north near Maryville. tornadoes have been through that way and I will enjoy looking at all the devestation. I will enjoy driving by slowly and watching the people putting the pieces of their lives together again.
~ 4/19/04...went skiing in Colorado over Lent. Not particularly thoughtful, but entirely restful. have been spending most of my free time working on the newest Luxury songs. It will be a strange disjointed effort. I have put together six songs in addition to the three origianl numbers we planned on releasing. not certain if all six will make it onto the record but confident that we will end up with a full length despit the number. mostly piano. should be quite different than anything we have done before. driving to Warsaw tommorrow in hopes of selling something. it is a nice trip across the country and I expect to enjoy the fine weather and think about farming as I usually do.
~4/12/04...listening to Blonde Redhead. somewhat wonderful. drove across the cattle yards toward Wichitaw. couldn't see a tree to climb for miles and miles. I had to pay $3.20 for the experience.
~ 1/10/04...saturday with the family. listened to "Sonic Spectrum" on NPR and heard a friend's band. it's always nice to hear someone being recognized for their accomplishments, especially when you respect them personally. found a cover for my next project from a 1963 National Geographic. It seems to give me some direction. I really want to make a record that can be performed solo, something like Iron and Wine or Cat Power. the air is cold today and the sun is much too bright.
~1/6/04...spent the day driving across Missouri listening to Blonde Redhead and Steve Riech's "18" until the batteries died, then to NPR's presidential debates. political language seems very strange and unusual, much like business language - potential, prospects, leverage, etc.. I spoke with a girl about childbirth and said the appropriate things. I seemed to smile a lot even when it wasn't necessary.
~ 1/5/04 ...have been working on two new songs. recently received a copy of the facsimile of t.s. eliot's "the waste land" and have been inspired to pull out some old poems. writing poetry is nothing like writing music; the cadence, wordiness, rythms - they are all different. need to make a trip for work this week, probably north and east and there will be plenty of time for writing if the television can be avoided. television can be an inspiration, especially for titles. it was said that true poets are always listening for poems, so let us listen. there are things to be sold and numbers to be made, but in the end...
